[UPDATE] WARNING: This article includes strong cases of satire and sarcasm. If you do not understand those two concepts, do not continue reading and go purchase a dictionary immediately.
There has been a lot of talk going around lately about the issues of gay rights, and human equality, and the sanctity of marriage, and blah, blah, blah.
As a REAL AMERICAN, I’m about to lay down the facts for you as to why gay marriage SHOULD NOT be legal. Here are the top 10 reasons why gay marriage is wrong:
1. It’s Not Natural
Being gay is not natural. Real Americans always reject unnatural things like eyeglasses, polyester, and air conditioning.
2. Other People Will Be Gay
Gay marriage will encourage people to be gay, in the same way that hanging around tall people will make you tall.
3. It Will Lead To Other Crazy Behavior
Legalizing gay marriage will open the door to all kinds of crazy behavior. People may even wish to marry their pets because a dog has legal standing and can sign a marriage contract.
4. Marraige Isn’t Open To Change
Straight marriage has been around a long time and hasn’t changed at all. Women are still property, blacks still can’t marry whites, and divorce is still illegal.
5. The Sanctity of Marriage Will Be Broken
Straight marriage will be less meaningful if gay marriage were allowed. The sanctity of Britney Spears’ 55-hour-just-for-fun and Kim Kardashian’s 72-day-highly-profitable marriage would be destroyed.
6. Marriage Should Produce Children
Straight marriages are valid because they produce children. Gay couples, infertile couples, and old people shouldn’t be allowed to marry because our orphanages aren’t full yet, and the world needs more children.
7. Gay Parents = Gay Kids
Obviously gay parents will raise gay children, since straight parents only raise straight children.
8. It Is Not Supported By Religion
Gay marriage is not supported by religion. In a theocracy like ours, the values of one religion are imposed on the entire country. That’s why we have only one religion in America.
9. A Male And Female Role Model Is Required
Children can never succeed without a male and a female role model at home. That’s why we as a society expressively forbid single parents to raise children.
10. It Will Change the Foundation Of Society
Gay marriage will change the foundation of society. We could never adapt to new social norms. Just like we haven’t adapted to cars, the downfall economy, or longer life spans.
There you have it! Gay marriage is evil.